You are not alone

Nearly a year ....

2009-01-08T11:13:19+01:00

... since my world was changed forever.

Still breathing.

Still hurting.

Yet, feeling guilty because I can see the sun shine a little.

Does that make sense?

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Hospital update

2008-12-18T15:23:05+01:00

Hi to everybody...I've just checked with the hospital and the consultant does put rods into spines and removes them if necessary...that's a relief....

Great big hugs to one and all...

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Happy Birthday Carrie-Ann

2008-09-30T00:35:47+02:00

Today September the 30th is my Daughters Birthday, we wont celebrate it, in fact no one but me will even know it is her birthday, or should I say that no one but me will remember.

I know that somewhere she is having a wonderful party, with cakes and candles of gold and silver, she will have family around her and they will look down and smile on those here.

And I will remember birthdays past, because that is all I have.

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6 Months

2008-09-19T08:06:08+02:00

It feels like yesterday and yet it feels like a lifetime.

I have found that seperating myself into two people is the only way I am able to face this.

There is the Abi that is moving forward, making plans and trying to live again.

Then there is the Abi who is crumbling slowly and doesn't wish to ever be put back together.

I have learned, I think, how to stop the two Abi's being in the same room at the same time.

It is rather a mess when they meet.

I hate them both.

Yet need them both.

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I bought a birthday card.

2008-07-29T15:41:43+02:00

I attempted to write a post for this blog numerous times and have deleted each time.

They were long flowing detailed posts.

I couldn't post them.

The simplified version is as follows:

* * * * * * * *

I bought an early birthday card.

Then remembered, again, the birthday would never come.

I tore the card in two.

I taped it back together.

* * * * * * * *

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Forever young

2008-06-27T09:01:18+02:00

The hardest part is the accepting that they/he/she is gone, for three years I could not accept that.

I heard them playing outside, laughing in the hallway, giggling and chatting in the bedroom, yet everytime I went to where the sound was, there was noone there, and the emptiness, the hole grew bigger until I feared it would engulf not just me but the children that I could see and hear, the ones that I was carrying on for.

I worried about how it was affecting them, the two youngest ones would soon forget, they were only babies, 2 and 3, the older one had gone through a lot in the hospital and she had come home changed forever, nothing was the same, and never would be, yet I clung to this belief that it was all a dream and that I would wake up and everything would be fine, we would all be together and life would be as it was but better.

Of course I never did wake up from that dream, and life was never the same nor better, when realisation finally hit home it was like losing them all over again, finally coming to terms with the fact that they were gone opened one door and forever closed another. I let them go, the hardest thing I have ever done, they are still with me, but I no longer go searching for the faces behind the voices, when I hear the giggles and the laughter I smile and allow myself to think of them as they were, playing skipping or chasing each other. The smiles on their faces, and I know that they will always be here, in my heart in my memories, forever young.

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Friendship

2008-05-07T08:30:16+02:00

When I had my first child Sylvia, I felt as if I had been given the greatest gift anyone could ever have, looking down on that tiny face and those tiny hands and feet I felt this enormous pride in having acheived this little piece of perfection.

Losing Samantha brought great pain, but I had still felt that wonderful feeling when I had seen her for the first time, as I did with all the others.

It is the greatest wrench when that perfect gift is taken away, like you didn't deserve it somehow. Battling the feelings of inadequacy when you lose a child/ren is one of the hard parts of grieving. That feeling that you should have been able to do something, that you were not good enough, that you failed, is the most cripling part of your grief.

Eventually however you do come to terms with the fact that in some things there is nothing that you can do to prevent some things from happening, no matter how hard you try.

And others can help you to see this if you give them a chance.

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Ask my mum......lovely words.....and true!

2008-04-26T20:18:14+02:00

Ask My Mum How She Is

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say 'I'm alright.'
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mum how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,
'I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping.'
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, 'You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told.

Author Unknown

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I know I am not alone

2008-04-23T15:42:31+02:00

Thankyou for your beautiful and heartfelt comments, I apologise for not answering them all, but it has been a hard month and it is not over yet, Sunday will be the hardest, but I have the knowledge that I am not alone, that I have you and I have my family (son anyway)

This is the reason that I started this group, I had doubts when I first did it, I no longer have them.

Thank you

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April, The second of Two

2008-03-31T22:45:15+02:00

April is knocking on my door tonight.

I used to love the month of April, to me it was the epitome of spring, buds bursting, flowers blooming and the blossom that would sweep the streets in May blossoming. Birds seemed to sing louder, babies learing to fly made a commotion, and everywhere the Earth was born anew, April, whether it be showery, sunny or both, was the most beautiful month of the year.

The year that April turned from being the brightest to the Darkest month of the year, it had been as usual, a mixture of weathers, Easter had been sunny and warm, but before and after there had been rain. Though it is to be said that the month was warm even with the rain.

The year that my life was to be changed forever, my whole future changed, my present destroyed.

I had coped with losing Samantha, filing it away for private moments, I had moved on and I had born more children, and I had a lovely little family. Until one long day in April came and took it all away.

For those that want to, or are interested in, knowing what happened it is here below

Some already know the story, they have already seen this piece, the only thing I have changed is the time since it happened as I first wrote this two years ago so have added the two years.

I could have published it as is, but am not yet ready for that, this way people can read if they want to and are not just faced with it.

Thank you to my Best friend and his lovely partner for helping me to have the strength to finally do this.

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The loneliness of grief

2008-03-25T10:12:36+01:00

Why does it feel so lonely? Truth is, no matter how hard people try, no matter what they have gone through in their own lives, they cannot ease it for you.

The place you are in at the beginning, that overwhelming pain that you have no words for, that complete and total feeling of helplessness, the guilt, because you are here to feel that pain. The anger, at God, fate, The World, yourself,the feeling of failure, you are supposed to keep them safe, protect them even knowing that you could have done nothing does not stop or ease that feeling.

People cannot know what you are going through because grief is private, personal, deep inside.

But people can know that you are in deep pain, especially if they too have been there, your grief is unique, but your pain is shared by those that have been there, those that have been in the private hell that you are now in.

Your pain is shared by those that hope that they never have to go there, they feel for you, they can in some small way help, though sometimes you want to scream at them to leave you alone, what do they know, how can they even begin to imagine? They know that the pain you are going through is unique, that it is something only you can work through, but they want to support you, and support is always needed, wanted, even though you may not realise it at the beginning.

I faced my grief alone, with not even my Mother to support me, and not because she couldn't, but because 'other' things were more important than being with me. My husbands parents comforted my husband, his family, they just kept telling me it was for the best. Within weeks of losing Sam it was as though she never existed for everyone but me.

I hid my greif, and got on with life, it was hard, but I had a daughter to care for.

I havent spoken about it in years until I met someone who is now my best friend, just as I had never spoken of the second, I am not quite ready yet for the public telling, not enough courage, but being able to speak of the first has helped in ways no one can imagine except those who have hidden their own grief.

The most important thing is to speak of the lost ones, because if you dont their lives however short, mean nothing, as though they never were.

Yes it is hard, and there may be tears, but tears cleanse and help to heal, not talking about them makes your grief so much harder to bear, and it keeps you in that lonely place.

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In memory of Matthew

2008-03-19T12:09:16+01:00

Hi to everybody...I wrote this last year in one of my blogs, but thought it was worth posting here...
Hi, Lovely peeps, Monday is my day normally for thinking of something to celebrate and writing a few thoughts down on the subject. As you can probably tell from my other blog, today hasn't been a good one and I'm trying to think of something I want to celebrate today.
I think it's going to be a very sensitive subject but one that is very relevant. On the 18th June, 1983, our son, Matthew, died at eleven twenty in the morning from a combination of asthma and a tummy bug, which caused his heart to go into arhythmia causing heart failure and he was dead in less than a minute.
I was in hospital at the time after having a hysterectomy on the Monday before and was due home on the following Monday. I happened to be in the local hospital after having been moved from the main hospital ten miles away after the op when a bed became free nearer my home. It meant my hubby and the children could come and see me far more easily and I did see them.
On the Thursday, I had a chat with Matthew on the phone when he asked me when I was coming home because he missed me making him breakfast, and I said I would be back on Monday, and he told me he loved me, and I said I loved him too, which I did with every inch of my being...I never saw him again, but was so glad the last thing we ever said to each other was that we loved each other.
My hubby came and told me the terrible news while our other son was being looked after by the nurses I think...I'm not sure where the poor little love was I was so horrified by the news, but I do remember the doctor coming in to see me the next day and telling me our other son had been taken into hospital as well suffering from the same stomach bug and he had asthma as well so that didn't help me feel any better, and heaven only knows what it did for him pyschologically either...we only learned later he thought it should have been him who died because he was the bad one and the good one had died...that broke my heart and we did our utmost to try to tell him that we loved him just as much as Matthew and that he wasn't bad...he was needy but not bad in any way.
The doctor wouldn't let me go home for a further week, because of the shock even though I wanted to be with our son and my hubby more than anything.
To cut a long story short, we survived the funeral, which was a very beautiful one with all of Matthew's class attending and they had made butterflies for him and there were painted butterflies all over his coffin and around the church amidst loads of flowers...then we had him cremated and laid underneath a huge Cedar tree in the Anglican church yard, which he loved sitting in with me whenever we went shopping together on the way home...there were loads of birds and squirrels in it and it was one of the loveliest places in the village, and it just seemed a perfect place to put him. We planted a white hebe on top of his spot and that was it...the tree, which he loved, he's now a part of and that feels right.
My celebration is his short but lovely life. He was very fragile when he came into the world and we didn't think he was going to make it, but he did. He took three years to stop shuffling at ninety miles an hour every where on his bum and to talk...he would point to something and his brother would get it so why bother to talk or walk for that matter. He was delicate but with a funny, really rascally sense of humour, and, at three, stood up, walked perfectly and talked in full sentences. He would also sit like a little buddha in the lotus position on our coffee table when he was tired, and, with his head bent right over and resting in front of his crossed leg on the table, would go to sleep...we called him our little buddha because of this amazing double jointed ability.
He gave us so much joy and love poured out of him every day of his life, his loss nearly killed us, but we had another son who needed us and who we loved just as much so survival was essential.
One incident I will always remember with the same vividness as when it occurred was the year before Matthew died, I was exhibiting a picture I'd painted in the local art exhibition and he came with me to see it and to look round at the other paintings. I met a friend there and we sat down to have a chat while Matthew went off to look at all the paintings. Suddenly, he came back and took both my hands in his and just looked me straight in my eyes without a word and I watched in amazement and awe as his skin took on a wonderful translucency and it was as if he was glowing with love and giving me something wordless and wonderful...all I could do was love him back with the same strenght and then he let go of my hands and walked away... I asked my friend whether she saw what happened and she had and was clearly shaken and said it was too much for her...I don't know what happened in that moment but it was something wonderful and which I will treasure till the day I die.
Today, I am celebrating his short but lovely existence. He was a precious and beautiful gift that came and spent some time with my hubby and me and his brother, and all of us have been profoundly affected by his presence in our lives and will continue to be because there was something special about him so here's to Matthew Roivas Hunter, our son who lived and died and now lives in our hearts....big hugs to one and all...

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The first of two

2008-03-19T08:15:54+01:00

At 19 I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, she was nearly 11 weeks early and weighed only 3lbs 15oz. We named her Samantha Jayne and she was every bit as beautiful as her sister who was just one year and five days older than her.

I had gone in to labour with little warning, I had been having a brilliant pregnancy compared to my first, no morning sickness, no feeling queasy all the time, in fact I bloomed, I felt good I was eating properly and all was fine, I thought. I was rusehd in to hospital when my waters broke around half past three in the afternoon. It was far too early for the baby to be born and the doctors that came trooping in one after the other and then all together, decided to try to stop labour.

They began injecting me with lord knows what, this was to stop labour, then they had to give me something to stop me being sick from the injections they had first given me.

Every hour they came and every hour, they shook their heads and every two or three hours injected me with something else, but still labour advanced. At nine am the next morning they came and told me that as they could not stop labour and because it was advancing too slowly they were going to induce it instead. Then came much flurrying about with drips and monitors, all of which were attached to me, I was finding it very hard to concentrate on anything, all fuzzy from the drugs that they had been filling me with, in pain, and very very tired.

At some point in the next few hours I opened my eyes and thought I was in the operating theatre, there was a huge light above me, almost near enough to touch and I was surrounded by gowns and masks! They told me there was no heartbeat, they had tried a couple of monitors to make sure, but they could not pick up any sign that the baby was alive. You have to stop thinking of giving birth and just think that you are ill and that is why you are here, they said to me.

I could not quite grasp what they were saying at the time, only afterwards, I drifted in and out of consciousness, I dont remember actually doing anything to give birth, I remember them saying that the baby was nearly there, except they said 'IT' then there was a commotion as the baby arrived and cried!!! Running about and telephoning and the next thing a voice said to me would you like to see your daughter, and when I turned my head all I could see was the top of a glass box?

I remember little more until that evening at about half past seven when I was finally able to ask about her, and how much she had weighed, to be met with we dont know? I gave birth at one in the afternoon how can you not know what she weighs? I created a fuss until they took me to the special care baby unit where my baby was in an incubator, and oh so tiny. And where they told me that if she survived the next fortyeight hours she might stand a chance. She had suffered damage to the brain from the lack of oxygen when she apparently stopped breathing and then for some unknown reason started again.

It was two months before I was able to bring her home.

When I picked her up from the hospital I was concerned about her colourm she is fine they said, sje just needs fresh air to bring colour back. They had just finished feeding her and within minutes she had thrown it back, its ok they said, she just senses something going on.

During the next week I got two hours sleep, she was sick, everything she drank came back, and the smell, I will never forget. She cried constantly, I took her to the clinic on the following Tuesday, to have her weighed and I told the health visitor about her and my concerns, it is you, she told me, you are nervous with her because you haven't had her at home and you are so young? Apparently the fact that I already had a child didn't enter into it. The next day I could stand it no longer and at eight in the morning rang the doctor, it was lunchtime when he arrived, I could see my baby getting sicker and sicker as I walked the floor with her in my arms. He took one look and didnt even bother examining her, he sent for an ambulance.

The next few hours were spent watching the doctors and nurses placing tubes all over my baby, monitors everywhere, then the top man came to me and he said that she had chronic gastroentiritas, and as I had her home only a week she had to have been discharged with it, and heads were going to roll as she was supposed to have had a full medical before she was discharged where they should have picked it up.

What difference did it make now? I was advised to go speak to the Father in the chapel, go home and get my husband and have her christened,he gave my baby 24 hours.

I went home and told him, he went to the pub saying it could wait until tomorrow then!

I called the hospital, and normally I would have covered for him, but this time I told them what he had said and where he was, they told me to stay with my older little girl and if there was I was needed they would come for me.

The next day we both went on and the staff totally and completley ignored my husband, to the point that he was invisible. Including the Top paeditrician who spoke only to me.

Samantha survived, she fought hard and she came through, they told me that her menatl handicap was severe but they would not know how severe until she was a little older and they could run tests, but she had stopped breathing a couple of times during that twenty four hours.

I took her home the week before Christmas, I was so excited that I was going to have both my beautiful daughters with me for Christmas. On Christmas Eve I got my first ever smile out of her, she was exactly four months old, it was to be the last I would have as well as the first.

Smanatha died in the early hours of Christmas Morning, I cant go through that day, except to say that I was in shock, totally numb, and of course blaming myself, she had after all had an extra feed that night was it my fault?

Finally the lovely man that had looked after her during her second time in hospital told me what had happened, she had Broncho Pneumonia, classed as silent Pneumonia, it is undetectable, and she did not have the strength to fight anymore.

We buried her on the 4th January amongst other babies so she would not be alone.

I thought that I had been through the worst that a parent could ever go through, I found that this was not true ten years later tragedy would strike again, harder.

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How Does One Deal With The Pain?

2008-03-19T01:23:30+01:00

I suppose everyone's way of dealing with the pain is different. For me it was to immerse myself in the things that were most part of my son. It was his words - his poems, journals, letters; videos and photographs of him; his things; his friends; the places he'd been to. There was something of him in all of these - they had all been touched in some way by him and he was still a part of them. Also we planted trees in his memory, with his ashes at their roots - in the garden, in the park. We scattered his ashes in the places he'd loved. We had a bench erected where we could sit and look at the trees growing strong. On significant dates we usually take a picnic to his bench and sit there eating and talking of happy times. In fact we talk of him often. His ashes may be buried, but he is not.

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It never ends...

2008-03-15T19:40:27+01:00

Some think that the loss is greater for the woman than the man, why? Can a Father not experience the grief of losing his child?

Sadly it is very often the case that many health care professionals forget about the father. He is often expected to be the one who holds things together, organising paperwork and informs the family while the mother is expected to become a wreck and not wish to see anyone.

I have lost count of how many excuses I came up with for not wanting to go out. Eventually the lies became second nature and I could fend off friends without having to think about it. I then sat alone in my house and sobbed and wondered who I'd got that I could turn to.

I spoke to my doctor about how I was feeling and all he could say was that it would pass. Helpful.

It never goes away but the days get easier to cope with. Until an anniversary of some sort comes up that is.

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Maybe if?

2008-03-13T07:59:54+01:00

For every one of us loss is a unique experience, no matter the age of the child.

I once heard someone say that the loss of a child who is very young is not as great as that of an older child. This is nonsense, from the minute it is announced there is to be a child those feelings grow and develop into the love that will be there to greet it when it is born.

Some think that the loss is greater for the woman than the man, why? Can a Father not experience the grief of losing his child?

There are so many things that greiving parents have to deal with, both Mother and Father, the world goes on turning in its normal cycle and others go on living their normal lives, but for you the world has changed and will never be the same again. How can these people go bustling about their daily business, how can you? Your world has become emptier, there is a hole that was once filled and now it is gone, your world has tilted, crashed, burned and when you pick up the pieces they are not all there.

But we learn, slowly, how to go on with our lives, how to live each day with the knowledge that something precious is gone and is alive only in our hearts, our memories, and the hearts and memories of those closest to us.

We learn how to go through the normal routines, how to 'put on a brave face' until we are living a semblence of a 'normal' life again.

Yet each of us have words that have not yet been said, thoughts that have not yet been voiced, feelings that we keep under wraps as we go through our daily business and chores.

Feel free to say them, voice them, shout them, here, or maybe just visit occasionally to know that there are others, like you, that find it hard to voice that which they feel inside.

You are not alone, we, are not alone anymore.

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An Introduction

2008-03-10T23:16:35+01:00

This group is for people who have suffered the loss of a child or children.

It is a place for you to come and be among others that know exactly how you feel, what you are going through, somewhere that you can shout and scream, cry, or just read what others have to say, somewhere you cn place your thoughts and feelings and not feel that you have to put on a brave face.

A place for you to learn, realise, know that you are not alone, and we are here to support each other.

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