When I had my first child Sylvia, I felt as if I had been given the greatest gift anyone could ever have, looking down on that tiny face and those tiny hands and feet I felt this enormous pride in having acheived this little piece of perfection.
Losing Samantha brought great pain, but I had still felt that wonderful feeling when I had seen her for the first time, as I did with all the others.
It is the greatest wrench when that perfect gift is taken away, like you didn't deserve it somehow. Battling the feelings of inadequacy when you lose a child/ren is one of the hard parts of grieving. That feeling that you should have been able to do something, that you were not good enough, that you failed, is the most cripling part of your grief.
Eventually however you do come to terms with the fact that in some things there is nothing that you can do to prevent some things from happening, no matter how hard you try.
And others can help you to see this if you give them a chance.
http://rowtheboat.blog.co.uk/
2008-05-07 @ 08:36