You are not alone

... since my world was changed forever.

Still breathing.

Still hurting.

Yet, feeling guilty because I can see the sun shine a little.

Does that make sense?

Hi to everybody...I've just checked with the hospital and the consultant does put rods into spines and removes them if necessary...that's a relief....

Great big hugs to one and all...

Today September the 30th is my Daughters Birthday, we wont celebrate it, in fact no one but me will even know it is her birthday, or should I say that no one but me will remember.

I know that somewhere she is having a wonderful party, with cakes and candles of gold and silver, she will have family around her and they will look down and smile on those here.

And I will remember birthdays past, because that is all I have.

It feels like yesterday and yet it feels like a lifetime.

I have found that seperating myself into two people is the only way I am able to face this.

There is the Abi that is moving forward, making plans and trying to live again.

Then there is the Abi who is crumbling slowly and doesn't wish to ever be put back together.

I have learned, I think, how to stop the two Abi's being in the same room at the same time.

It is rather a mess when they meet.

I hate them both.

Yet need them both.

I attempted to write a post for this blog numerous times and have deleted each time.

They were long flowing detailed posts.

I couldn't post them.

The simplified version is as follows:

* * * * * * * *

I bought an early birthday card.

Then remembered, again, the birthday would never come.

I tore the card in two.

I taped it back together.

* * * * * * * *

The hardest part is the accepting that they/he/she is gone, for three years I could not accept that.

I heard them playing outside, laughing in the hallway, giggling and chatting in the bedroom, yet everytime I went to where the sound was, there was noone there, and the emptiness, the hole grew bigger until I feared it would engulf not just me but the children that I could see and hear, the ones that I was carrying on for.

I worried about how it was affecting them, the two youngest ones would soon forget, they were only babies, 2 and 3, the older one had gone through a lot in the hospital and she had come home changed forever, nothing was the same, and never would be, yet I clung to this belief that it was all a dream and that I would wake up and everything would be fine, we would all be together and life would be as it was but better.

Of course I never did wake up from that dream, and life was never the same nor better, when realisation finally hit home it was like losing them all over again, finally coming to terms with the fact that they were gone opened one door and forever closed another. I let them go, the hardest thing I have ever done, they are still with me, but I no longer go searching for the faces behind the voices, when I hear the giggles and the laughter I smile and allow myself to think of them as they were, playing skipping or chasing each other. The smiles on their faces, and I know that they will always be here, in my heart in my memories, forever young.

When I had my first child Sylvia, I felt as if I had been given the greatest gift anyone could ever have, looking down on that tiny face and those tiny hands and feet I felt this enormous pride in having acheived this little piece of perfection.

Losing Samantha brought great pain, but I had still felt that wonderful feeling when I had seen her for the first time, as I did with all the others.

It is the greatest wrench when that perfect gift is taken away, like you didn't deserve it somehow. Battling the feelings of inadequacy when you lose a child/ren is one of the hard parts of grieving. That feeling that you should have been able to do something, that you were not good enough, that you failed, is the most cripling part of your grief.

Eventually however you do come to terms with the fact that in some things there is nothing that you can do to prevent some things from happening, no matter how hard you try.

And others can help you to see this if you give them a chance.

Ask My Mum How She Is

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say 'I'm alright.'
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mum how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,
'I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping.'
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, 'You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told.

Author Unknown

Thankyou for your beautiful and heartfelt comments, I apologise for not answering them all, but it has been a hard month and it is not over yet, Sunday will be the hardest, but I have the knowledge that I am not alone, that I have you and I have my family (son anyway)

This is the reason that I started this group, I had doubts when I first did it, I no longer have them.

Thank you

xx